


The Universe Within Me

by realdefonge



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 08:46:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18257840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realdefonge/pseuds/realdefonge
Summary: Daniel could've ended it all that beautiful night, but Seongwoo wanted to show him a better view.





	The Universe Within Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Ahn Jaedong's poem, "The Universe Within Me" which was recommended by Seongwoo himself. Please check out the playlist as well and make sure to play them in order :)

 

 [🎵 Playlist 🎵](https://open.spotify.com/user/qrpbuvx053nvj4gxjabwr33pr/playlist/1USfw8PG8WmkpSlSOtFByj?si=QW2hX_hdR4645FziBpxtbg)

 

 

 

> _Even though it’s small, I have a universe within me._
> 
> _But this universe is bigger than what the eyes can see._
> 
>  

  
Daniel took heavy, deep breaths as he marveled at the sight in front of him.

The cold breeze blew gently against his face, and the city lights twinkled at the distance, like an ocean of stars.

 _Maybe this is a good way to go_ , was what Daniel thought to himself as he stepped closer towards the edge of the hospital building. He closed his eyes and spread his arms out as he prepared for the jump, until he heard a voice behind him.

“Are you sure you want to do that here?” was what the voice said, but Daniel paid no attention to this intrusive stranger. He’s been planning this for months now— waiting for the perfect timing and setting the perfect date so the weather would be good—and that time is now. He refuses to be stopped.

“You know,” the voice grew closer until Daniel felt that the stranger was only a few centimeters behind him. “I know a good place. Way better than this building. You’d only land on garbage bins and dirty canals below. 0/10 would not recommend.”

Feeling annoyed, Daniel opened his eyes, turned around and leaned down to face the stranger.

However, the moment he did so, he found himself in an intimately close distance with a man owning a perfectly-sculptured face and a pair of eyes that glittered like the stars themselves. Daniel’s eyes flickered around the man’s face, and he noticed that he had three moles below his eyes, positioned in a way that made them form a constellation.

The man smirked as if he could tell right away that Daniel was awe-struck. “Never seen a face this handsome before, huh?”

Daniel looked away and cleared his throat. “You’re too full of yourself, stranger.”

“Ong Seongwoo’s the name. And now I’m no longer a stranger.”

“You…” Daniel glanced back at the man named Seongwoo, but he only received a sweet smile in return. “…what’s your problem?”

Seongwoo placed his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Nothing. I just wanted to tell you that there’s a place more beautiful than this, that’s all.”

“You want to take me to a better suicide place?”

The man dropped his head and chuckled. Daniel thought his laugh sounded like something he's heard before, but his eyes widened at the thought. He literally just met this guy, but why does he feel a sense of familiarity around him?

 

“I just want you to see a better view.”

 

  
✭✵✴✲✬

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _You are always in my universe._  
>  _If there’s also a universe within you,_  
>  _I wish I could be there, too._

 

  
A smile finally crept its way on Daniel’s face.

Seongwoo felt satisfied when he saw that expression. He smiled as he joined the younger in admiring the view beneath them. The calm river reflected the moon and the stars, making it glisten like a thousand diamonds. They gazed wearily at the sight, the cold breeze gently blowing against their faces, as they held onto the railing of the bridge where they were currently standing.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Seongwoo huffed as he squatted down at the wooden bridge. He placed his legs between the railings and swung them mid-air. He looked up at Daniel and tapped the space next to him. “Why don’t you sit down?”

Daniel gave him a perplexed look—a look that says this wasn’t what he was expecting at all. Still, he obliged to the older’s request and sat next to him. He took the bag of beer and chips they bought from the convenience store earlier and waved them in front of Seongwoo. “Care to explain?”

Seongwoo cheerily took the bag from Daniel and began rummaging through the pile. He pulled out a canned beer, popped it open, and began drinking the contents. He gave out a blissful sigh after three gulps, then he took out another can and handed it to Daniel. “We’re going to drink to our heart’s content as we admire this wonderful view.”

Daniel blinked at him in confusion, but he eventually accepted the beer. Their eyes darted back to the sea of diamonds in front of them as they chugged down their drinks at the same time. They sat there in silence for a while, with nothing but the rustling of the leaves and the soothing sound of water as it flows through the river.

"You know..." Seongwoo's voice almost sounded like a whisper, as if he didn't want to interrupt the beautiful sounds provided by nature. "...it wasn't your fault."

Daniel turned to him, placing his canned beer down in the process. "What do you mean?"

Seongwoo's eyes were now focused on the starry sky, a view that you'd rarely see in the hustle and bustle of the city. "It wasn't your fault, Intern Kang."

"You--"

Before Daniel could react any further, Seongwoo continued. "It wasn't your fault the child died." His gaze moved from the sky towards Daniel's probing eyes. "There was nothing you could do. You were just an intern, and all the head surgeons were busy with their own surgeries,"

Seongwoo recalled the panicked look on Daniel's face when a five-year-old child was suddenly rushed to the emergency room. The child was hit by a car, and Seongwoo knew at first glance that he was already far gone. Still, Daniel did everything he could to save the child. In the end, the young one passed away during the emergency procedure, and a look of horror, regret, and self-blame clouded the intern's eyes as he announced the time of death.

 

When Daniel first came to the hospital as an intern, his eyes were full of passion, hope, and vigor. Almost instantaneously, he was able to gain the love and affection of everyone in the hospital-- nurses, doctors, and patients alike. Seongwoo's heart would become full every time he'd catch a glimpse of his favorite intern, who never fails to give out a smile towards anyone he comes across with.

But those days of bliss only lasted for a few weeks.

Daniel suddenly got assigned to the ER, where he got a slap of reality. He realized that saving lives isn't as easy as graduating from medical school. It takes more guts, endurance, patience, and acceptance. But knowing that he couldn't save everyone wasn't easy for Daniel, so he always, _always_ tried his best despite the circumstances.

Alas, the biggest slap came when he had his first death. As a medical practitioner, nothing could be worse than having a patient die under your care, and for someone like Daniel who always believed he could save everyone as long as he had the skills to do so, that reality became too much to handle.

The meltdown was so bad that he stopped going to the hospital without notice. Seongwoo thought he'd never see the intern again, until he appeared at the rooftop where the older usually takes his nighttime strolls.

 

"You...were there?" Daniel's voice was shaky. He looked like a lost child who is afraid of this big, big world; afraid that it would completely engulf him, and that once it did, he'd never be able to return home. "I saw him take his last breath...he was so small, so fragile...he still had a bright future ahead of him..."

"But it was his time," Seongwoo reluctantly placed his hand above's Daniel's clenched and trembling fist, and when the younger didn't show a sign of resistance, Seongwoo took both of his hands and wrapped them into his. "People come and go, Daniel. You can't control their lives. You can't control their time. No matter how skillful you are, you won't be able to save everyone."

When tears began to pool in Daniel's eyes, he immediately leaned his head back in an attempt to stop them from falling.

With one hand still caressing Daniel's fists, Seongwoo raised his other hand to cup Daniel's cheek. He lowered the intern's head and touched the corner of his eye, where his mole was located. "Cry your heart out, Daniel. That's exactly why I took you to this place. You've been holding it back since that day. You've allowed that devastating feeling to fill you up to the brim, but you never allowed it to explode."

Daniel's lips trembled and his eyes fluttered as he looked deep into Seongwoo's eyes, like he wanted more assurance. Seongwoo gave him a small smile as he nodded. "Yes. It's okay to cry your heart out here."

 

And so Daniel exploded. His sobs were akin to that of a newborn child's first cry-- loud, hard, and unstirred. Seongwoo took it all in, feeling his own tears run down his cheeks. He sniffed as he tightened his grip on Daniel's hands. Seeing the one you've always admired from a distance-- the one whose bright smile used to lighten up an entire building-- seeing that person break down in such a devastating way, was too painful for Seongwoo.

When Daniel's sobs died down, and only the sound of his raspy breathing could be heard, Seongwoo enveloped him in a hug as he gently ran his hand up and down the intern's back.

 

"You've worked hard, Kang Daniel. You did so well. Please stop blaming yourself now."

 

  
✭✵✴✲✬

 

 

 

 

 

>   
>  _I want to be the sun in the timeless, blue sky,_  
>  _or become a scatter of a brilliant starlight,_  
>  _or perhaps a gentle breeze in the palm of a child's hand._

  
The next time Daniel saw Seongwoo was at the hospital.

He finally went back to duty after a week of unannounced absence. Naturally, he got scolded by his superiors, but their scoldings were a mixture of worry and anger. As doctors themselves, they understood Daniel's situation, but they also reminded him that he could consult his peers since they'd be more than willing to help him deal with his meltdowns.

Daniel felt apologetic and thankful. It might take a while before he could go back to his old self, but he promised them that he'll try.

His superiors decided to reassign him to the Coronary Care Unit, where he was previously stationed. As he was making his rounds, he came across a familiar name stuck outside one of the hospital wards. He walked back and stared at the signboard once again, confirming that the patient inside that ward was indeed, Ong Seongwoo.

Daniel thought it might just be a coincidence, but how many Ong Seongwoos could possibly exist in South Korea? After all, Ong was a very unique last name.

 

"Intern Kang, please move." Daniel's thoughts were cut off when one of his superiors, Doctor Yoon Jisung, suddenly rushed towards him with a few doctors and nurses trailing closely behind. They opened the door to Ong Seongwoo's ward, bringing in ventricular assist devices with them.

When the door flew open, Daniel felt his heart sink.

 

There he was, the Ong Seongwoo he met just a few nights ago, thrashing and crying in his bed as he begged for someone, anyone, to ease his pain. Doctor Yoon immediately instructed a nurse to administer the sedative as the other nurses began to set up the devices around the bed. While the sedative was being injected into Seongwoo's forearm, he tilted his head to the side and made eye contact with Daniel. His mouth slightly opened, like he wanted to say something, but the liquid was already taking its effect on his body, and soon enough, he was fast asleep.

 

One of the doctors closed the door, and Daniel couldn't do anything but slump on the ground as he tried to process what he just saw.

 

  
✭✵✴✲✬

 

 

 

 

 

>   
>  _I wish I could become_  
>  _a fragrant, wildflower_  
>  _and attract your gaze, by any chance._

 

  
"I'm glad my intuitions were correct."

Seongwoo looked down at Daniel, who was lying on his back against the wooden bridge. He was surrounded by a blanket, a few comic books, and some cans of beer.

Daniel slowly opened his eyes and met Seongwoo's gaze. "I was hoping you'd come."

Seongwoo chuckled as he laid down beside Daniel. He heaved out a sigh as he stared at the stars twinkling in the sky. The view never fails to take his breath away. He can only come to this place once a week when he's not scheduled for any treatments or tests. It's his hidden paradise near the hospital. The only place where he could feel everything: happiness, excitement, fear, hope, love, and life itself.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Seongwoo said after a while. He looked at Daniel, whose eyes were already fixated on him. "It was probably an ugly sight."

Daniel propped himself up on one elbow so he could get a better look at Seongwoo. The stars were reflected in the older's eyes, making them look like a galaxy. Daniel thought he looked beautiful, even more beautiful than the sky he was admiring earlier. "It wasn't. Although it was surprising."

Seongwoo covered half of his face with his hand to hide the blush forming on his cheeks. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"That," Seongwoo desperately tried to avoid Daniel's piercing stare, so he looked at the sky instead. "Those intense eyes of yours will punch a hole through my face soon."

Daniel chuckled as he reverted back to his lying position, using his arm as a pillow. "I asked for your medical chart. I hope you don't mind."

" _Psh_ , you think I don't know? Everyone in the CCU are my friends. The nurses already told me," Seongwoo was quiet for a few seconds, but he suddenly snorted. It was a few chuckles at first, which grew louder and louder until all that could be heard around them was the sound of the older's laughter.

The sound made Daniel's heart full, and all of a sudden, a memory flashed through his mind. "So it was you?"

Seongwoo ceased laughing as he cleared his throat. "Hm?"

"The guy who kept cracking jokes with the nurses. The one who had such a hearty laugh that even the grumpy, senior citizens erupted into laughter as well." Daniel remembered how he would run to the hallway once he hears the sound of this mysterious guy's laugh, but he could only catch a glimpse of the man's back walking away. "I never got the chance to ask the nurses about your identity, since I was busy with my rounds back then."

"Ah," Seongwoo gaped at the younger's revelation. "You never expected that mystery guy to be this handsome, right?"

It was Daniel who laughed this time. "Indeed. I must say, it's quite a pleasant surprise."

Seongwoo bit his lip to hold his grin back. "Never knew you were such a flirt."

"Well, who was it who boldly took me to this place and initiated skinship?"

Seongwoo shyly rubbed his index finger under his nose. "I...that...like I said before, I wanted to show you something beautiful. And I was hoping that you could finally release all your pent up emotions in this place."

"To me..." Seongwoo continued. "...this place is where life and death collide. When I first heard that my time is limited, and there's no cure, I felt so devastated. I wanted to end it all right away. What's the point of getting those treatments when I'm going to die anyway?

I ran and ran, until I came to this place. And then I stopped. I was mystified. Everything around me glistened, and they glistened so beautifully that I cried. The moon, the stars, the ripples in the river, the fireflies, they all gave me a sense of comfort that no amount of medicine could ever give. And that's when I thought to myself, ' _Ah, what a cruel yet beautiful world._ '

And I wanted to see more of this world for as long as I could. Maybe I was meant to revel in this beauty for a while until my time finally comes. This is the place where I've come to appreciate life, but it's also the place where I've come to accept death."

When Seongwoo was done, he noticed that Daniel was already crying in silence. Seongwoo turned to his side and wiped a few tears off of the younger's cheeks. "I'm glad I chose to live for a little while longer. Because I met you."

Seongwoo's words only caused Daniel's tears to flow endlessly. The older softly smiled as he continued to wipe those tears away. "You treated all of your patients with genuine care. You were really determined to save them. Aside from this place, you also became my source of strength. I was just really happy to know that there's someone out there who's willing to risk everything just to save a life, even if it's inevitable."

Daniel caught Seongwoo's hand in his and whispered, "I would've risked everything for you, too."

"You would have. But it's too late. And maybe this is how it's all meant to be."

"It's weird," Daniel said as he tearfully kissed the back of Seongwoo's hand. "I've only known you for a while, but it feels like I've known you for an eternity."

The older smiled as his own tears began to fall. "Maybe we already met in our previous lives?"

"If so...will we be able to meet again in another lifetime?"

"I hope so..." Seongwoo's voice cracked at the last vowel. He tried to swallow his tears back as he forced out a smile. "Let's both live longer by then, okay? And you better recognize me right away."

Daniel nodded. "How could I not recognize you? Even if we get reborn with different faces, I don't think I could forget the feeling. Just like when I first saw you at the hospital's rooftop that night."

"Good. What do you want our reincarnated versions to be? I personally want to be an idol."

The younger closed his eyes and laughed. "That's so silly."

Seongwoo playfully hit him on the shoulder. "It's cute! We could meet as trainees, go through the harsh training together, and debut together."

"But we'd be so awkward with each other at first. Like, why am I feeling this way towards a trainee I just met? And then we'd grow closer and closer until we become inseparable."

Seongwoo sighed. "Sounds like a plan."

 

They stared at each other for a while, memorizing each other's faces and basking in each other's presence. They both felt how sad yet beautiful that moment was.

 

  
✭✵✴✲✬

 

  
"He wants to see you, Daniel."

 

Daniel slowly stood up from his slumped position on the floor, but his knees were trembling too much that Jisung had to help him enter the ICU room.

Once they got inside, Daniel immediately choked up and felt his eyes going watery. He wiped them away with his sleeves because he promised that he would not shed a single tear on this day.

Right there on the bed was Ong Seongwoo, still as beautiful as ever, despite the pale, chapped lips and the drastic weight loss.

He's been in the ICU for a few days now, and Jisung regrettably informed his family that it would only be a matter of time before his heart completely gives out. Seongwoo and his family all agreed for the tubes to be removed and for the machines to be shut down. More than anything, they want him to pass peacefully with his loved ones by his side and with his senses still intact.

Daniel patiently waited outside as his family said their goodbyes. Their sobs were too painful for him to hear that he slumped down the cold floor and covered his ears with his hands.

 

But now, it's his turn.

 

With half-lidded eyes, Seongwoo smiled beautifully as he watched Daniel kneel beside his bed. "Hi."

Daniel smiled back. "Hey."

Seongwoo placed a hand atop Daniel's. "Thank you...for making me happy during my last few days."

"It was a pleasure," Daniel laced their fingers together before leaning forward to kiss Seongwoo's forehead. "I'd do it over and over again if I could."

 

The younger reached out to touch the constellation on Seongwoo's face. "I will live for you, Seongwoo. I promise you. I'll live this life for you and for me. For us."

Seongwoo leaned into Daniel's touch and hummed. "And I'll continue to exist for you, Daniel. I'll be right up there, dancing with the stars. I'll shine brightly for you."

Daniel nodded as he finally allowed his tears to fall. "Thank you. You'll be my personal galaxy. My own universe."

"I guess that's all I ever wanted to be," Seongwoo gave him one last smile before closing his eyes.

 

"Good night, Daniel."

 

Daniel leaned in again to give Seongwoo a soft kiss on the lips.

 

"Sleep well, Seongwoo."

 

 

 

 

 

>   
>  _No matter what,_  
>  _the universe within me_  
>  _will always be beautiful_  
>  _because of you._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for writing such a depressing thing ;~; I have no idea what got into me. I was just playing some songs in the office today when this idea came into mind, so I decided to just write it down. I've been writing romcoms and fluffs so I wanted to try something dramatic. I don't know if I feel satisfied, though. I think I just rushed into it. I will definitely try my best to improve so the feelings of the characters could resonate more in my future fics. Thank you for checking this out! :)


End file.
